For a long while now iv been feeling nothing but bad in the real world and one of my friends on the net who I have been friends with a long time is not helping. All we do is fight and like I explained to her I dont like not existing. Her views are all that matters... she can have her fun and I am supposed to shut up and rp with her. Some people just want to be around you so they can get stuff.... im trying to get away from that. I am dropping people in real life.. friends I had from school I dont talk to.... not that they ever talked to me. Im still that last option on peoples friend list. I keep trying to explain to her that if something hurts and im dieing inside then I dont be able to rp. She just wants rp... I TRY to do what I can but sometimes.. like the last time I broke down pretty bad I couldnt keep my eyes open from crying and my head was KILLING me.. All she did was make me feel worse and when I said I needed to sleep (It was late and my head was killing me) she made me feel like I was being very very stupid.. Which I guess I was cuz im always stupid.. No im not being a downer on myself I am stupid. Why?... Cuzz she can let things that hurt her go and I keep dwelling on it. Mum thinks im really going to have a nervous break down and she keeps getting mad or upset or I keep hurting her.

I get it.. my older brothers a doink .. lil brothers a spazz. Dads a scary dad all dads are scary I think we can agree on that for the most part. Sure once in a while you get the good one but then most of the world you have those drunk scary ones.... Mums still getting sicker and sicker and every day she has a new hurt and its stressing me out even more knowing I cant help and I cant baby sit for her because Im in class and it just feels like thats bad bad bad. My uncle has the whole naborhood blasting rap and the bass is so loud it has my room and the whole house vibrating and they keep waking me up with it louder and louder and louder for so long and I cant even try to get back to sleep cuzz after a while what ever shild I built up just crashes down.

How the hell school became the safe place I dont know.... I think Im only handling my new loner mode becouse when I get home I can go on the internet.... people are still very nice ... I really need this ... Iv been told it was a false sense of security my dependence on the internet.... I guess right now Id rather have a fasle sense then none at all. I dont feel well ..I keep getting sick... and I dont feel safe and I just dont feel right. I will NOT be medicated since that is always a problem and I would rather be me..I know me kinda and If I were medicated I have a feeling I would be someone much worse then I am now. Mum dont like me being sad I think its just cuzz it makes her sad and if shes sad im stressing cuzz if shes sad shes stressing so shes getting sicker and its becouse of me. Not my little brother trying to find his selfish self or my older brother impregifying and getting arrested and sent to the hospital over and over and over.. Its me.. the one thats been TRYING very hard to make her happy with my going to college and keeping my grades up and doing what ever I can for her.

Im thinking the world dont want me to feel alright.. anytime I start feeling happy again I know karma is just going to step on me... I cant feel even ok without worrying what bad will come of it. I cant even talk to my old rp buddy cuzz she dont want to talk. All she wants is to rp. I get it.. the real world sucks.. she dont like the real world but .. she dont want to play along. I will rp all she wants but once in a while its nice to talk.. I cant DO MY HOMEWORK without her getting mad at me. I try my hardest to be understanding for her.. Like when she went on vacation and blew a bunch of her parents cash on movies and stuff.. I supported her... I know what its like to need to spend a little on yourself once in a while.. It makes you feel worth something. Even when most of her dvds were not working I still was happy she could enjoy most of that stuff..... But she gets so mad when I get stuff... I cant even tell her "Oh this movie was awesome you should check it out." she dont want to hear it. Its like im not good at reviews but she dont want to talk about anything... If were talking about movies shes mad that I get it when I get it... be it right now or a few weeks later. She gets mad if I get a movie she says is good...... I dont get it everything i do is BAD ... only thing good I can do is rp with her. THAT IS ALL .... that is all it feels like... She gets mad if I dont review or fav or comment every single thing she does when she only ever commented after she spazzed about it.. I told her.. I DONT PUT THINGS UP FOR COMMENTS .. its nice when it happens.. when I get favs.. its NICE I LIKE IT but i dont PLEAD for it. I dont try to make the world feel bad just cuzz im not getting everything I want. I dont go putting marks on art of going crazy becouse someone uses my stuff.. If someone used my art for things fine thats cool im fine with it if it ever happend I put things on the net to share it.. ITS THE NET .... what is so wrong with shareing things? ... Anyone could steel my art here... But I put it here... its not like I put it in some computer art gallery ..those dont exist at least not in my town... So its fine here... right? Its fine ..

I act like a spazz.. I always have... I rp like a hyper psycho sometimes... sometimes a little randomness makes a bad day better..... When I rp with my old buddy.... I just feel like a fool... Lately all I feel is foolish and stupid and its killing me more then the real world. I dont want to stop being friends with her.. but yes.. ok... fine if your reading this lets just rping. I was having fun.. a little side conversation shouldnt have killed it but you ignored me. You make me feel like im stupid... I was just saying random stuff about vk make up and clothes and you accept things that happen... I dont... I dont know why but iv been TRYING to get better... Besides it was random talk do you think I REALLY want Toshiya to tie Kyo down just to get him back into a dress? ... Sure its a fun thought but its a RANDOM thought... remember RANDOM...??? ... weird.. silly... something different. If you dont even want to talk to me fine... im not that interesting to talk to if you take the random away and take the "there at it again" talk... All youhave left is some random anime talk and maybe some evil skeems that are not even evil. That goes under random dont it? ... See then im not even worth your time becouse you time could be spent doing better things huh?

It hurts... niffy.. you dont care.. I get it.. Things fly over your head.. .you get over pain.. you get over things that hurt you. I dont want to be something to hurt you but like everythine else Ill just go over your head. Im getting used to being alone... Im getting used to crying everyday like in school. I miss being random and weird and not feeling bad... I get that the world is harsh and cruel but is that really the world you want to live in? I get there is most likely no stopping this world from hurting.. but do you have to HELP it? Im sorry for all my complaining but I needed to get at least some of this out.... Bye.